Talk Like A Scotsman/St Andrews Day/Burns nicht

[scsibear 4]

I see from the Calendar that today has been designated as Talk like a Scotsman day. So let's hear your renditions, jokes and impressions of all things Scottish.

[Paul Bearer 5,608]

Scotland the Worst

 

The worst question in a Scottish court

 

Neil Murray Q.C. was doing his stuff in Edinburgh high court. The witness he was cross examining was a prostitute. "So," Mr Murray asked, "does your work involve close contact with men?"

[Boudicca 702]

Hoots!

 

[Lady Grendel 137]

Hoots!

 

Aaargh!!! Hoots

 

Love the photo Boudicca

[Lady Grendel 137]

Check out This site for 'The Glasgow Olympics' and Scottish film titles.

[Paul Bearer 5,608]

And another,

 

Worst headline:

 

Scottish newspapers are notoriously parochial. The headline in the Dundee Courier when the Titanic sank ' Broughty Ferry man drowns' is not necessarily apocryphal

[scsibear 4]

Even the mighty Star Trek falls foul of the Scottish Accent http://www.weehowff.com/taysiders.wmv (slow to load but well worth the wait)

[Boudicca 702]

Aaargh!!! Hoots

 

 

 

 

(Bonnet tip to Captain Oates)

[Lady Grendel 137]

 

Aaargh!!! Hoots

 

 

(Bonnet tip to Captain Oates)

I suppose it could be worse you could have said 'jings, crivvens and help ma boab'

[Tempus Fugit 212]

Ahhhh, Bonny Scotland,

 

The land of the deep fried mars bar and deep fried pizza and deep fried everything.

 

Coronary country.

[Guest Shuffler]

Fancy dress party. Doorbell rings. Hostess opens the door to see a Scottish friend standing there naked as the day he was born, save for a wellington stuck on the end of his c*ck.

 

Hostess: "Good Lord, Hamish! What are you supposed to be?!"

 

Scotsman: "Nothing. I'm just f**king aboot!"

[Lady Grendel 137]

Scottish Inventions

[Boudicca 702]

I've been looking at your profile Lady G, and I believe this is you and your husband.



Tartan stilt enthusiasts no less. The game is up.

[Paul Bearer 5,608]

UrweawtakinGlesga? Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman.

[Lady Grendel 137]

 

 

I've been looking at your profile Lady G, and I believe this is you and your husband.



Tartan stilt enthusiasts no less. The game is up.

Damn, caught at last!

[Lady Grendel 137]

UrweawtakinGlesga? Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman.

ayeweurHCWhaudoanahmawayfuraweeswally!

[scsibear 4]

Microsoft gets in on the Act

=================

 

Windows Recall

 

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Scottish version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Scotland.

 

If you have one of the Scottish editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Scottish edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAES 98, Ye Ken, with a background picture of William Wallace superimposed on a St. Andrews Cross. It is shipped with a Mel Gibson screen saver.

 

 

The Recycle Bin is labelled Bog

Dialup Networking is called Ma Mates

Control Panel is known as How Tae F**k Aboot Wi The Settins

Hard Drive is referred to as Big Disk

Floppies are Them Wee Plastic f***kers

Instead of an error message you get a Windae covered with an empty Buckfast bottle

Note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks

Other locale-specific features in Windaes 98 include the following language translations:

 

 

OK=its aww-right

cancel=F**k off

reset=whit yoo aw aboot

yes=aye

no=nay f****n' chance

find=get it yer f****n' sel'

go to=orr therr

help=ah cannae dae it

stop=gie's f****n peace

start=f****n' move

settings=settins

programs=stuff at does stuff

documents=ma S**t

 

 

Some programs that are also exclusive to Windaes 98 include:

 

tiperiter = a word processor

cullerin book = a graphics program

addin mershene = calculator

scratch paper = notepad (usually unused)

sounds = CD player

porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer

pikchers = a graphics viewer

dole money = M/S accounting software

Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores

Bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Tennent's Super

cuzzins = family history (usually 14-year-old mother's name and a shortlist of possible fathers)

tax records = usually an empty file

Kappa tracksuit inventory (usually 3 meg file)

 

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the Scottish edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version

[Tempus Fugit 212]

"Kilts are known the world over as a uniquely Scottish way of dressing. The exact origins of the kilt in Scotland are lost in the mists of time, but it is thought that the kilt was used as a form of blanket at night and then served double duty as a warm garment worn during the day. The ancient kilt was much longer than it's modern counterpart. Curiously it is an Englishman, Thomas Rawlinson, who is credited as the inventor of the modern short style of kilt".

 

He only invented it as an April Fool, and the Scots fell for it.

[Paul Bearer 5,608]

UrweawtakinGlesga?  Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman.

ayeweurHCWhaudoanahmawayfuraweeswally!

Ahmgonnyhuvwanmaselsoon. Ahuvasmashinweesingulmoltdoonsterrs.

[Boudicca 702]

The land of the deep fried mars bar and deep fried pizza...

Deep fried pizza.

 

This sort of food is the reason why Scotland has the highest heart attack per person ratio of any country in Europe. And damn proud of it, too.

 

[Lady Grendel 137]

Three Scots and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a football match.

At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Englishmen cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[scsibear 4]

EnjoyyerweedramHCWahmhuvvinaweesherbettoo

[Tempus Fugit 212]

UrweawtakinGlesga?  Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman.

ayeweurHCWhaudoanahmawayfuraweeswally!

Ahmgonnyhuvwanmaselsoon. Ahuvasmashinweesingulmoltdoonsterrs.

I'm partial to Talisker myself.

[Lady Grendel 137]

UrweawtakinGlesga?  Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman.

ayeweurHCWhaudoanahmawayfuraweeswally!

Ahmgonnyhuvwanmaselsoon. Ahuvasmashinweesingulmoltdoonsterrs.

AhhopeyeenjoyyersingulmolthuvyegoatraIrnBruinforramorra?

[Lady Grendel 137]

UrweawtakinGlesga?  Cosifweur ahcandaeratnaeborraweeman.

ayeweurHCWhaudoanahmawayfuraweeswally!

Ahmgonnyhuvwanmaselsoon. Ahuvasmashinweesingulmoltdoonsterrs.

I'm partial to Talisker myself.

So am I, like the Archie Gemmill avatar byraway!